Quintessentially Christine

Answering The Call...

2011-11-25T22:27:00.001-06:00

“Trust in the LORD, and do good

dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.
Delight yourself in the LORD,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him, and he will act.
He will bring forth your righteousness as the light,
and your justice as the noonday.

Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him…” Psalm 37:3-7.

Sometimes in life we burry a desire and a dream and go through times where we would rather not answer the call of our heart and the desires of our soul. For me, the past three years have been just that. But now, after many tears and some very long nights, God’s healing has done it work. He has put my feet back under me and it is with great excitement that I accept this next assignment He has given me.

It is my great pleasure to announce that I have accepted a job overseas at the Oasis Hospital in the city of Al Ain, Abu Dhabi that is located in the United Arab Emirates. This decision has been made after many months of prayer, counsel, and thought. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind and heart that this is where our Father has called me to live out the next chapter of my life and it is with great humility that I accept the task that He has given me.

I will be joining Father Andrew Brummett, his wife Jessica, and their three young daughters there as well and will be assisting them where needed as they seek to follow their call in building the Chapel of the Living Water which is a congregation of the Episcopal Missionary Church.

I began the extensive amounts of paperwork this week and the entire process of visas and licensure is expected to take approximately six months at which time I will be leaving. In the months up to this time I will be making an effort to visit as many friends and family as possible and I ask for your prayers for my safety and sanity during this time. Also, I ask that you lift the Brummetts up as they leave to begin their work in mid-January.

The Oasis Hospital is a Christian Hospital that is now owned by CURE International and is the first private hospital accredited with the Joint Commission International in the UAE. This hospital was started in 1960 at the request of Sheikh Zayed bin Sultan Al Nahyan and at this time is currently being expanded due to a very generous grant given by two of his sons, the current President and his brother, the Crown Prince. Drs. Pat and Mary Kennedy, along with a small team, started the original hospital and at that time the infant mortality rate was 50% and the maternal mortality rate was at 35%. The hospital was built in Al Ain, which is a beautiful oasis in the middle of the dessert and many of the natives would come from miles around to be treated by these doctors and their staff. Through introducing simple hygiene and infection control they were blessed with significant improvements in the health of those they cared for. At this time the infant mortality rate is less than 1% and maternal mortality is almost unheard of.

I am very honored to be able to accept this assignment and the make this journey. Over the years I have often wished to be able to do something like this and at last God has given me my adventure. He has asked this of me and I willingly accept His call and fully trust Him with my safekeeping. I have no doubt that this will be one of the hardest things I have ever done but His mercy and strength will be with me every step of the way. I will miss those I leave behind here without a doubt but it is with the full blessing of my family and those dearest and closest of friends that I have made my decision.

He has called. I have answered. His will be done.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord. “Plans to prosper and not to harm you. Plans to give you a future and a hope.” ~Jeremiah 29:11.

Passion...

2011-10-03T00:43:00.003-05:00

Tears wish to come. A woman’s heart pounds within me. A desire to be loved cries forth. Longing for the warmth of a lover’s lips and the feel of his caress envelope me. Passions stir. The cry, “how long” screams within my very soul but yet it also holds fast to that which is it’s certain rock. Obedience and faith stay me. But womanly human desire pulls me.

How do I hold this heart that cries and calls for love? How do I wait? Only by the strength given me…only by His love and care. My Savior…tender, loving, and sure…whose plan I alone can trust. He knows. But He does not remove my longing.

My heart, strong and passionate, filled with the denied desire once grasped for calls forth. It calls for the love that was denied it…but not for the lovers denied. No. They are the past. They are reconciled. No. My heart calls for that future…for that which is to come. For the journey, the calling, the adventure. This feeble humanity that contains me calls to feel and know the caress of a lover yet again. To be desired, sought, and told that I am worthy of love. It cries to no longer stand alone and un-summoned. It cries for love.

Not the cry of despair that it once was for now it does stand fast upon a rock. It accepts the will of the Father with all submission should it be called to forever live in this life single and alone. It will obey. It will watch. It will hold in check it’s greatest dream. The cost is not to great for another passion fills it’s very being. A heavenly lover who can meet it’s every need. A heavenly lover who has left this greatest of thorns piercing my porcelain skin…and the blood from the pierced wound does flow…but slower than it once did. Slowly, easier, and a scab begins to form.

This scab…acceptance. Perhaps in some ways resignation. In all ways obedience. The heart knows. It sees. It requests. But it let’s go.

I am woman. I am she who desires, craves, and whose heart beats apace for that for which it still longs. It is my heart that pounds within my chest crying for that which was lost and which longs to feel again. It is this heart, my very own, which stands strong at my calling. It is this heart that fails…which still holds a dream.

My neck is bare….in this moment craving the kiss of the lover. My breasts scream for that which they once felt. My lips, full and soft, call for love. My body cries for that which it was made for. But there is no answer. No human hand is here to touch me. No lover to tenderly take me in his arms as hold me as I crave to be held. No. Physically I am alone in every way.

But my heart knows a truth…for some greater reason this love and this passion is denied me. A loving Heavenly Father withholds this great desire that He may use me for His purpose. He holds me, His precious treasure in His everlasting arms. He sees these tears with will not flow and only glisten about my eyes. He knows. He feels my pain. He takes it as His.

Then, His embrace comes. I allow Him to comfort my heart. He allows me to grieve. He knows what He asks of me in this single life. He knows what I am willing to give for Him. He knows I will give all…even to death. He prepares me for what is to come. I can, in some ways, literally feel His touch on my face and His arms embracing me. He allows me to rest there and on His shoulder for my tears to fall. He understands. He gives strength and fullness.

Tonight, I will lay my head on my pillow with no lover or husband beside me but all around me my Protector and God will be there. His angels will guard me and slowly He will show me His purpose for me. I have not been called to singlehood to be wasted. I have been called to this for a greater purpose so that He may use me as He would.

Human desires are stayed. Obedience and faith are taken up. The price is not too high. He died for me…for Him I can deny myself.

He will uphold me with His everlasting arms…

Just a thought...

2011-06-01T19:12:00.003-05:00

Perhaps the Father holds back the heart's desire not just so that we may learn the lesson of patience and trust, but because He loves the ecstatic joy we have when the long-awaited desire is granted.

Blessings...
~Christine

A Mother's Prayer...

2011-05-11T00:29:00.004-05:00

“Come and hear, all you who fear God, and I will tell what He has done for my soul.” ~Psalm 66:16.

To say that my life has not been what I planned on it being would be the understatement of the century. God’s plan for my life is something that I have come to see as incredible and the journey to get to this point has been long and hard. There have been sleepless nights. There have been tears. There has been loss, heartbreaks, and grief. There have been prayers prayed, battles fought, and lessons learned. There has been healing. Joy has been restored.

Early in the last summer before Momma fell ill, she and I were sitting in the dinning room having one of those talks that mothers must sometimes have with their daughters. I don’t remember everything that was said, but out of it all, one part sticks with me. It was the prayer that my mother told me she prayed for me. This prayer I now pray for myself and for my friends and family.

Momma prayed for God’s best for me.

A simple, yet powerful prayer that reaches beyond her death and into my life today and into my future, waiting for God’s plan to be revealed.

God’s best for me has been painful but wonderful. God’s best included the loss of my mother, the loss of lovers, and the crumbling of my family. A year ago, the final blow was laid and I fell to my Savior’s feet, broken and wounded, with nothing else to do but to allow Him to put me back together. And He has.

His best included pain because it took pain and loss to bring me back to Him and to His heart. In my pain I have found healing, love, and happiness. Today, a year later, I smile a smile of true beauty and my laugh comes from my soul again. I rest in my Savior’s arms knowing how much He truly does love me. I have come to know who I am in Him.

My mother was a wise woman. Strong she stood and fought for her family all throughout my childhood. Of course, like most children, I didn’t begin to rise up and call her blessed until just before I lost her. In my loss though, her friends gifted me with letters of their memories of her that I have read over and over again in these last two years since she was taken home. They tell a story of a different side of my mother. They speak of her smile, laugh, strength, out-spokenness, zany personality, and faithfulness. They speak of a woman who truly did change the lives of those who crossed her path. They speak of a woman who I am more honored than ever to call my mother.

In this last year, the reality that my mother is gone forever from this life has hit me and I have grieved. Grief is a very special and healing thing. It is something that you have to do for yourself. You have to find your own way through it. Loyal friends will be there to pray for and encourage you but that is all they can do. Grief is something you have to be willing to go through to find the life on the other end.

Never will there be anyone who will take my mother’s place in my life. And the strength of her prayer has been seen in my life. She literally gave her life for my good and for the good of my family. God saw fit to take her because it was good. In our brokenness we often cannot see this but as time heals the wounds and we submit ourselves to God’s plan, we see His love in these moments. How else does he draw us closer to Him?

As a result of my mother’s prayer I stand here tonight healed. Lovingly the pieces of my heart have been sewed back together by the hand of Christ Himself. My strength comes from the Lord and my foundation is laid in sapphires. Who I thought I was is nothing compared to who He has made me to be. My heart rests safe and secure in His everlasting arms.

As I go through the years the memories of my mother will always be some of the greatest treasures that I will carry. She was truly one in a million. She gave of herself each and everyday for her family and never wanted anything more than the best for each of us.

Forward is the only direction to go and as I turn forward, a smile is on my face and laughter is in my heart knowing that the hand of God guides my every step. All shall be well and many joys and trials await me in the days ahead but I am certain of one thing. With me I take the love of my Heavenly Father…and that is more than enough.

It is time to live…and to live well.

“I will turn their mourning into joy; I will comfort them, and give them gladness for sorrow.” ~Jeremiah 31:13b.

Blessings...

~Christine

The Next Thing...

2011-05-02T20:19:00.002-05:00

“Win or lose it’s all the same, it’s how you take it that counts; and knowing when to let go. Knowing when it’s over and time to go on to the next thing. Things come suitable to the time, Velvet. Enjoy each thing and then forget it and go onto the next. There is a time for everything. There is a time for having a horse in the Grand National, being in love, having children. Yes, even for dying. All in proper order at the proper time.” ~Mrs. Brown, National Velvet.

A year ago today, I said good-bye to someone that I wasn’t aware I was saying good-bye too. A week later, a pain came beyond any that I had ever known, for all of my pains culminated in it. All of my unprocessed grief and loss came out. I was broken.

A year later I have come through. Those moments of pain have come to be what I knew they would become. Blessings. My greatest pain has truly become the greatest blessing of my life, for through it, I have found life. Not ease or comfort in an earthly sense, but I have glimpsed Heaven. I have come closer to the heart of God. I have learned that I am cherished, that I am forgiven, that I am never alone, and that all my dreams and longings will be granted.

Grief and pain have left their mark on me. I understand pain and I do not run from it. In fact, because I relate to it, in some ways I am drawn to it. I know the life that comes out of it. Grief and pain are two of the most healing and needed things for the human soul for they put us in touch with our humanity. They cause us to feel what we have truly lost…Heaven.

Perhaps, in some ways, I grieve more now than I did a year ago. It is a different grief. The tears, for the most part, have faded. The stabbing pain is gone. The feelings of being used and wasted and left for dead have all been washed away. I have been resurrected from that death. Now, a new chapter of grief comes: one where I truly feel the longing. Reality concerning the loss of a mother sinks in. It bears down upon me that I will never again see her smile, pick up the phone and call her, and never again will I be blessed by her wisdom. The loss of the lover does not pain me now. I see the blessing that was granted and I praise God that he gave the young men eyes to see what I could not.

My deepest grief is now one that perhaps many will not understand. I grieve because I am separated from God by my own failings and sins. In my growth, striving, and work I have come to realize that there is nothing I can do other than obey…and even that I cannot do without Him. I see my earthly dreams and desires as replacements for Him and for the idols that my heart seeks to make them.

A question has come to me now. How do I balance earth and heaven? How do I wait and hope with expectation for what I know is the deepest longing of my heart? How do I place the longing my heart bears in it’s place with peace and contentment, knowing that this will come in God’s time? I know that there is life to live in front of me. A beautiful life filled with so many blessings. I must live all of my appointed days with praise and thanksgiving.

Heaven will come, and my human heart grieves that it must wait. It waits with expectation for that day and it feels the pain of separation. This is the greatest denied desire.

As I write these lines this evening, one of my dearest friends texts to tell me that he almost died in his sleep last night. He awoke gasping for breath as whatever was blocking his airway was removed. I render thanks to God for not taking him from me. Reality hits me.

This earthly life is uncertain. We do not know what each day will bring us. We are not given the future to know. We are given the past to remember and learn from but what we often forget is to live in the moment given. This day. This hour. This minute. This is where God has placed me…and I do not know when I shall be called to leave it.

It is time to do the next thing. To walk, head held high, into this next season of my life. To open my heart and risk pain again. Time to open my arms to all that the Father sends. It is time to let the walls around my heart to fall to the ground and to shine with the beauty that the Father has given me. It is time to be who He created me to be.

I will never forget this year. I will never regret it. In it I gained the foundation for what comes. I prayed for faith and trust in my Heavenly Father. That prayer was granted. The wounds of my heart are healing. I am not complete yet. There is still work to be done and battles to fight. Satan still hates me. He will still try to thwart me. But I will win the battle for I know who I am…a Daughter of the Most High God.

Desires and longings have been submitted. Dreams have been sacrificed. True desire has been found. Openly and honestly I confess my failings and utter helplessness. Without Him, I am nothing.

The future comes one moment at a time. Each moment is given that I may glorify God. This is my calling and purpose. This is my chief end. All else is vanity.

I have truly lost my life. I stand here ready to take up my cross. All is sacrificed. I sit here, unsure what will happen but knowing that there is no fear. I rest in a battle that is already won.

Everything will be granted. This is His promise to me. He is everything.

“Come and hear, all you who fear God, and I will tell what He has done for my soul.” ~Psalm 66:16

Blessings…

~Christine

Nearer My God To Thee...

2011-04-26T18:39:00.003-05:00

“You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.” ~Jeremiah 29:13-14.

The hymn, Nearer My God to Thee, plays as I begin this post. This hymn echoes the cry of my heart tonight. The strains of the violin call to my heart, pulling it heavenward. The ache for more intimacy grows and deepens. An ache, a longing that will not be filled on this earth, cries and beckons. My hands are raised Heavenward but cannot reach. Humanity is mine.

Oh, that deepest of desires, that deepest of wishes…to know the Father, to hear Him call me blessed daughter, to bask in His love. I feel so far and yet so close. Many deaths I have died and many more are to be died before that day comes when I die my final death and find myself standing before Him, surrounded by those who, in this life, I have loved deeply. What a glorious reunion it will be…mother, grandparents, brothers, sisters, old friends…all of us there, finally restored and dead to sin, our identity finally know.

And there, through the crowd He will come…Christ, with His scars showing the price He paid in His love for us, and finally, finally my heart will jump for I will be with my love. As I run to Him, filled with reverence and awe and fall into His arms, which have so often held me in moments of pain and doubt, the tears of joy that will run down my face will be beautiful indeed. Rest will finally be mine and I will finally be with my best of friends…and surrounded by all those who encouraged and guided me on this path to Him.

Tonight, I long for this reunion. My earthly desires and longings are known for what they are…replacements for the longing of this moment. Tonight, I desire heaven. I desire rest. I desire love. I desire my Savior.

My heart cries to be nearer. Nearer only to my God. Humanity holds me back. This mortal body and this blessed life that I have been given restrain me. I do not wish to hurry the day for I know that far too many blessings await me in the days ahead. I will walk them…each and every appointed day I will serve…but I know that which I seek. Heavenly rest and peace. A Savior’s embrace.

"Hold me!” This is my heart’s cry as I beg my lover to return to me. I feel Him, I know He is there but the wall that stands between us is one made of my own failings and sins. To myself, I die. Realizing that there is nothing I can do but to surrender I fall to my knees and sacrifice my heart…it is all I have. It is all I can give.

He says you will find Him when you seek Him with your whole heart. I seek and find but space and distance remain. Am I to be allowed the intimacy I crave? Will He show me His heart?

As a woman whose heart cries for her lover’s return, or even to know if he will come, my heart cries tonight. The answer to this is the same as to my waiting for the earthly love.

“Wait. Hold fast to that which I have promised. I am with you. I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Remember me. Seek me. Call to me. I will come. You will find me when your heart is ready. Do not despair. Only trust me. Be still. Know that I am God. Wait for me!”

My heart cries. It’s loneliness and ache call heavenward. My call echoes the cry of those who have gone before. I echo the heart cries of those who have walked this path of denied desire. Denied desire that we may be strengthened before Him. Denied that we may be made perfect. He denies because He loves.

The lover comes…as He found the bride in His song of songs so too will He find me. I have been broken. I have given up. I lay here…all my earthly loves shattered and surrounding me as I see them broken. I am unable to bring them to myself. My arranging, letting go, control, and desire of them have not brought them to me. No, I cannot arrange for my heaven here. I must wait for it. It lies ahead, in the time appointed. Today, I wait, looking at my earthly desire knowing that it will only be given if it is God’s best. I send it away, uncertain of the outcome, knowing that the Father holds my heart in His hand.

I have given up. I only want my lover of lovers to find me. Nothing I have done has saved me. The death was died and life was granted. I accept this life. One of waiting, joy, trials, happiness, pain, blessings, death, and resurrection; will He come to me? In time, in His way He will. I cannot force His love anymore than I can force my earthly lover to love me. I raise my eyes heavenward and ask for Him. I wait for Him. I hold my hand out to touch Him.

Where is He? Still silent. May this death and separation be soon complete and may He come, the lover of my soul, and may he resurrect me. May I know the fullness of life that only He can give. May I love Him with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength. May He come to me…

“I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, if you find my beloved, that you tell Him I am sick with love.” ~Song of Solomon 5:8.

Blessings…

~Christine

A Foundation of Sapphires...

2011-04-22T14:30:00.002-05:00

“O afflicted one, storm tossed and not comforted, behold, I will set your stones in antimony, and lay your foundation with sapphires.” ~Isaiah 54:11

"You will see the faithfulness of God’s promises to you."

This thought springs to mind as I sit, windows open, the warm, humid breeze wafting through my apartment. Somehow promises and foundations seem to be trains of thought for the day. This week has been so odd and the trend continues. Emotional exhaustion overwhelms me. Multiple times today I have gone back to bed to try and rest but sleep escapes me. My thoughts are muddled with no clarity. There is no train.

But the sapphires caught me. What does it mean to have a foundation of sapphires? In thinking of those beautiful blue stones I think it must have something to do with strength and beauty. Rare, resilient, and glorious they shine and sparkle. As do the hearts of those who trust in the Savior.

Our pasts haunt us. In everyone’s life there is sin, pain, and death. It is so easy to dwell upon that which has been taken and lost. Childhood memories float around in our minds sometimes coming forward in crystalline clarity. For me, I find that I remember those days and often wish to go back and cherish them again for what they were now that they are gone. Reality is, I cannot. Those days are gone forever. Forever, they will live on in my memory but that is where they must stay.

There is a fine line between remembering and holding on. Life has seasons that often bleed into each other without well-defined lines. People come and go without reason or explanation. Then there are times when a clean cut must be made and people must walk away hurt. There comes a time in life when you learn the need to set boundaries. All of this comes in different ways for different people.

With remembering there is an ease. The memory comes and there is no pain felt at the mental image. For a moment the visions of what once was play upon your memory. Then it is forgotten again until the day comes for it to be remembered again. It is not dwelt upon. There is no clinging.

In holding-on we create an idol. We will find ourselves trying to recreate those days and force the days and people in front of us to conform to the image of the past. There is stress, there is strain….there is no peace.

This lesson comes to me today as I pray and ask God what it is that I must give up. This week I have been called to let go of an old friend, to give up a desire, and to learn to say no. All of it is self-death. All of it hurts and causes a death to my self-image. One more death to what I think and one more realization of who it is that Christ created me to be.

A year ago, I began a journey marked by pain. Now, it represents mercy, grace, and life. What was once one of the greatest pains has become one of the greatest blessings. In this year I have processed and placed behind me much. How much more is to come I cannot say but I do know that there is a well-laid foundation. I know that my foundation is sapphire…for He has told me that it is. This foundation, which was built with pain, loss, and humility, has now turned to beauty and will stand the test of time and all that Satan and his demons can throw at it.

Exhausted from the battle I sit here, calm in my heart but knowing that there is a tear behind my eye. There is a grief coming. There is a tearing away of an idol coming and I know it. But I do not run. I prepare. I make my heart willing to let go. I pray that I will be willing to forget that which I have held dear. There is no fear, only anticipation as I realize what comes on the wind. The clouds gather, symbolic on this Good Friday.

“Forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead.” ~Philippians 3:13.

“Only take care, and keep your soul diligently, lest you forget the things that your eyes have seen, and lest they depart from your heart all the days of your life.” ~Deuteronomy 4:9

These two verses seem to contradict, but truly they do not. It has to do with submission to God’s will. We are to remember the blessings and His faithfulness. We are to remember the journey our heart has gone upon. What we are to forget is the pain and we are to allow the past to become the past. It is the foundation. It is the cutting of the sapphires. It will become the setting of our heart and the frame of our lives.

Remember His blessings. Remember His faithfulness. Lose you life to find it. Death is not the end…it is the beginning. Deaths must be died so that we may find life. Suffering is a part of life, guaranteed to us by the life of our Savior who bore it all without complaint or fear. There will be a cross and there will be resurrection. This is why we keep the church calendar to remind us, every year, of the sacrifice that was made for us and the sacrifice that will be required of us.

“Then Jesus told His disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.” ~Matthew 16:24-25.

Blessings…

~Christine

Bearing That Cross...

2011-04-21T23:26:00.002-05:00

“And as they led Him away, they seized one Simon of Cyrene, who was coming in from the country, and laid on him the cross, to carry it behind Jesus.” ~Luke 23:26

“Then He poured water into a basin and began to wash the disciples’ feet and to wipe them with the towel that was wrapped around Him.” ~John 13:5

It is Maundy Thursday, the day that commemorates that last supper which has become so symbolic in my own life of headship, submission, nourishment, and life. This day remembers the last fellowship of Christ with His disciples prior to His sacrificial death. The day before He bore the cross.

I find that Simon always catches my attention. What were his thoughts as he was pulled from the crowd to lift up this heavy cross and bear it for our Savior? What fear was in his belly as he dragged it up the hill, the crowd around him laughing and jeering? Did he realize that he was representing what we must all do should we wish to follow Christ?

Michael Card sings a beautiful song entitled “The Basin and the Towel” which recounts the story of Christ washing the feet of the disciples. I fully recommend youtubing it should you have the time. The chorus is beautiful…

“And the call is to community,
The impoverished power that sets the soul free.
In humility, to take the vow,
that day after day we must take up the basin and the towel.”

That basin and towel is one that I know I often fail to take up. My self-centered nature doesn’t wish to die for anyone…much less for Christ and His will. My wants and my desires seem so important. How often do I forget the commandment given by our Savior to His disciples that night?

“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.” ~John 13:34

I am a sinner. So often I fall so short of any resemblance to Christ. I reach, I grasp, I plot, and I plan how to achieve what it is that I think is my best. This passion week I have been dying. Dying to my past and to my need to hold on to those in my life who God has called me to give up. I am scared to let them go for fear I may need them later. I have been dying to my desire to please and capitulate. But most of all I have been called to die to my own idols and visions of my dreams. I am called to sacrifice my Eden.

Tonight, I go to bed knowing that tomorrow will come and with it will come the last alone day of this passion week for me. Good Friday, the death of Christ, and the death, Lord willing, of all my sinful desires. May I die to my false self. May I see that to which I grasp and cling to. May I be willing to open my hands and to be willing to grant my heart to Him fully.

Death is hard. It hurts. I see it over and over again. In so many ways death touches and comes into my life. What I have come to know and believe however is that life truly does come from death. You really must lose your life to find it. You must allow God to take away the false self that you have built, to change you from the person that you thought, in all of your measly human wisdom, was who He made you to be. Death must be died before you can have life. You must suffer to die and it will be painful.

Five years ago I began a journey that changed my life. It started with falling in love with earthly things. I pray that this week that this chapter of the journey closes by me falling in love with Heavenly things more than ever before. I pray that my humanity and grasping would be slain on the alter and that I would be presented as a living sacrifice.

I pray that His will shall be done…I pray that I learn to bear my cross, taking up the basin and the towel, and that I am resurrected in His glory. I pray that my life may shine for Him and His will alone.

“Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh. Is anything too hard for me?” ~Jeremiah 32:27.

Blessings,

~Christine

Suffering and Resurrection...

2011-04-19T22:32:00.003-05:00

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord.” ~Jeremiah 29:11

The reading for the Tuesday before Easter in The Common Book of Prayer contains this collect.

“O Lord God, whose blessed Son, our Savior, gave his back to the smiters and hid not his face from shame; Grant us grace to take joyfully the sufferings of the present time, in full assurance of the glory that shall be revealed; through the same thy Son Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.”

As I sat on my balcony and read these words aloud this evening, followed by the epistle and gospel readings for the day, I was caught by the reference to suffering. In my own life, I often have many moments of suffering amidst the many blessings that also are given to me. My response often leaves much to be desired. How often do I joyfully take up my sufferings? How often do I realize that these are what makes me Christ-like?

God has granted me a large portion of passion. My friends often laugh with me for my zest of life and the delight that I take in those things that I love. I throw myself in, often not thinking through to the end and I live the moment fully. Then comes those moments that bring pain and they are just as passionate as the moments of happiness. My tears come pouring down and my broken heart grieves for what was lost. The passion of joy and the passion of sorrow mirror each other.

You see, I know what I desire. In my humanity I often reach out of God’s timing and will, convinced that I know what it best, and try to take hold of that which is not given. The result, God must teach me to die to myself yet again.

Desire and death are two things that, thanks to the fall, must go hand in hand. Our hearts longs for heaven more than we know and we spend countless human hours trying to create that paradise for ourselves here on earth. And we fail. The desired object becomes the object of pain if taken out of God’s time. We cannot arrange for eternity here. Sin will not allow it.

Suffering comes as a part of the fall but it is also one of the tools used to bring us closer to heaven. It comes as a part of the life accepted when you chose Christ the King as your Lord. You become an enemy of the world. You are promised that you will suffer.

As I learn to place my desires before the throne of God, trusting Him with them and giving them to His timing, I must learn over and over again to not reach out to take them back. I must leave them at His feet and when I unknowingly take them up I must return them again with the proper repentance…and often along with that comes some form of pain and suffering.

In this, however, I have learned that the pain and suffering are not bad. I have learned to not run from the tears. I have learned to cast myself before His feet in humble repentance, to give my broken and hurting heart to Him for healing, and to confide the deepest fears that I only realize in the moment of brokenness to Him. You see, in my tears my walls fall down. I become honest with myself. I see my ugliness and sin for all that it is and this allows me to confess it. And with confession and the death required for repentance, a seed of life is planted. This seed begins to slowly grow and blossom, and when it is ready, in the fullness of time, the flower bursts forth and God’s beauty shines radiantly through me in the form of the smile and laughter that He so lovingly bestowed upon me.

If you desire life, be not afraid to take the path of suffering. Christ did and He obtained salvation for humanity. He obeyed and took upon Himself that which was not His to bear but that which no one else could bear. Suffering is the harder path. You will be confronted with much that you did not expect. You will see yourself in a new light…and then, finally, through the death and suffering will come the flower and the resurrection.

I promise…it is worth it.

“Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.” ~Matthew 5:6.

Blessings…

~Christine

Greater Love...

2011-04-18T20:35:00.001-05:00

“Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.” John 15:13

It is Passion Week: a week that commemorates the betrayal and crucifixion of our Savior. For me, this year it comes with a pull on my heart from God. Today, while reading and praying, this verse was given to me. It has been a year for me since God called me to walk a different and difficult path; one that has torn me away from ideals that I cherished and clung to as false gods. In some ways, I have been playing chess with God…and the score currently rests with Christine 0, God “however many.”

Yesterday, I was asked to die to myself over something I cherished. Today, I mourned the death of a dream and turned heavenward for an answer to my pain. The answer came in the form of peace. I still do not know the end or the outcome but I know where I stand with God and that is all that matters. God answered a prayer that I prayer very specifically with the answer I did not want and while part of me still hopes that the answer may be wrong I know it is not. I die, I let go, and I turn heavenward in obedience to my baptism.

What does it mean to lay down your life for your friends? Does it mean standing in their place when they are dying justly or unjustly? Taking a bullet for them? Those endings make nice movies but in real life does it perhaps mean that we give up our desires and plans for what is God’s purpose for us in their lives? Does it mean doing everything for them or being willing to allow them to walk their own path? Being willing to hurt those that you care about when you know that it is for their own good. Do we save them from the pain that will only build them and make them stronger?

Tonight, the laying down of our life means to me to be self-death. Death to what I think is best for them and right. Death to what I want them to do. Death to my desire and being willing to accept the prescribed boundaries of the relationship. Being willing to be who God placed you there to be…be that the friend, the counselor, or the lover. It means being willing to let go of them when the time comes. To allow them to fade into the past if needed. It means you die to your comfort and hold those you love accountable to God’s law even if it does mean the death of the friendship. Being a friend means dying to yourself…over and over again.

God says that, “You are my friends if you do what I command you.” (John 15:14) He calls us to die as he died…to our desires, to our hopes, and to our dreams over and over again in the knowledge that all will be granted. ALL WILL BE GRANTED. Our human minds cannot grasp what that entails. The price of disobedience is too great. Obedience is shown to be the way of life over and over again. Obedience requires death.

But, from this death springs life, joy, and happiness. A life full and rich. A joy that does not fade. A happiness that overwhelms the deepest sorrow…but also allows us to still feel our pain and to grieve. Our God loves us. He chose us to be His children and calls us to the faith of a child. Is it that hard? Without Him, yes.

This is a week that we remember a sacrifice beyond all comparison to anything that we could ever be called to give. Christ, God incarnate, humbled Himself to take our place and laid down His life for us. His passion should be our passion. His obedience to the Father’s will should be our obedience.

Let us take up our cross and follow Him…knowing that as surely as He was brought back to life so to shall we. Our deaths are much smaller and our reward is beyond comparison.

“Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever believes in me will also do the works that I do; and greater works than these he will do, because I am going to the Father. Whatever you ask in my name, this I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask me anything in my name, I will do it. If you love me, you will keep my commandments.” ~John 14:12-15.

Blessings…

~Christine

Placing Behind and Facing Forward...

2011-03-30T22:17:00.003-05:00

“Be still, and know that I am God.” ~ Psalm 46:10

This verse graces the wall in the dining area in my apartment and serves as a constant reminder of where my heart should turn in distress and fear. Its simplicity often overwhelms me. It calls forth to my heart reminding me to remember the rock upon which my hope and faith are built.

Recently, I realized how much of my life has been shaped by the pains and hurts of the past. I daily remember them and relive them, sometimes almost as if they were yesterday. One grief will never go away…that of the loss of a Mother. The other two however, they may be safely placed in the past where they belong. They do not define who I am before the community or God. The pain caused by them has, for the most part, been healed. These three pains, significant events in my life that have in many ways led me to be the person I am today, need not however, be all that anyone ever knows of me.

Recently I was asked what it was that I liked…and I confess that I really had no answer. Being a people pleaser and a molder I often find myself doing everything and anything. This question has caused me to stop and think and begin to learn how to say the word “no” when needed. Then, I realized how little I know about who I am in the sense of whom God created to be.

“Who am I?” was the question I asked myself today. “What did God design me for?” “What is my purpose?”

Who am I is the simple answer…I am a child of the Covenant, a daughter to the Most High God. He is the rock to which my tether is lashed. It is in Him that I find my life, laughter, joy, and peace. It is His beauty that I daily pray will shine forth from me. He is my calm in the storm. He is my strength and shield…a very present help in time of trouble.

The other two questions will take a bit longer to answer…but the answer will come. God will show the path and light the way. A path in which trials and troubles will often come. There will be battles to be fought and tears to be cried. But always, ever and unfailingly there will always be that quiet voice that I hear in my sleep reminding me….

“Be still, and know that I am God. Trust me, oh faithful daughter, trust me. Wait for me. All shall be given.”

With that calm quiet voice reassuring my heart as I rest in my bed, chasing my fears away, come those everlasting arms, ever strong and yet so gentle. True peace and comfort find their way to me and with this I fall asleep with that unexplainable peace surrounding me.

A new day dawns…and with it His ever unfailing mercies which are new every morning. Day after day and year after year. His saints are reminded of this often and we often choose to forget it. He, however, remains faithful.

For me, the path has not been shown, but happiness and hope does light the way. I rest easy knowing that if it is for my best it shall not be denied. My happiness is assured.

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” ~Jeremiah 29:11

Mama - Il Divo

2010-11-28T19:48:00.001-06:00

Mama, thank you for who I am
Thank you for all the things I'm not
Forgive me for the words unsaid
For the times I forgot

Mama remember all my life
You showed me love, you sacrificed
Think of those young and early days
How I've changed along the way [along the way]

And I know you believed
And I know you had dreams
And I'm sorry it took all this time to see
That I am where I am because of your truth
And I miss you, yeah I miss you

Mama forgive the times you cried
Forgive me for not making right
All of the storms I may have caused
And I've been wrong, Dry your eyes [dry your eyes]

Cause I know you believed
And I know you had dreams
And I'm sorry it took all this time to see
That I am where I am because of your truth
And I miss you, I miss you

Mama I hope this makes you smile
I hope you're happy with my life
At peace with every choice I made
How I've changed along the way [along the way]

Cause I know you believed in all of my dreams
And I owe it all to you, Mama

The Proverbs 31 Woman...

2010-08-27T14:02:00.001-05:00

Recently, I have been considering the virtues of being the virtuous wife as they relate to me. This morning it lead to a review of the last 22 verses of Proverbs 31 verse by verse in my journal. Here are my thoughts…

¹⁰An excellent wife who can find?
She is far more precious than jewels.

-Be the young woman who waits on the Lord, work diligently, and trust. She is skilled in many areas. Worth pursuing. She waits to be pursued.

¹¹The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will have no lack of gain.

She is faithful with that which is given to her care…reputation, money, children, the home.

¹²She does him good, and not harm,
all the days of her life.

She protects his reputation. She guards how she speaks of him. She is discrete, obedient, and faithful.

¹³She seeks wool and flax,
and works with willing hands.

She sees the purpose and blessing of faithful work…she seeks it and does it well.

¹⁴She is like the ships of the merchant;
she brings her food from afar.

Caring for her family with wisdom in the food she feeds them, both physical and spiritual. Quality is most likely emphasized. Distance and work to provide this do not trouble her.

¹⁵She rises while it is yet night
and provides food for her household
and portions for her maidens.

She is not slovenly. This reflects back to earlier verses. Faithfulness with what is given. She does not expect it to take care of itself. She is on the front lines in her household.

¹⁶She considers a field and buys it;
with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.

Her earlier faithfulness enables her to further bless her husband and family. This is further provision for them. She doesn’t do this without her counsel or her husband’s approval. This will be another jewel in his crown. This is an inheritance.

¹⁷She dresses herself with strength
and makes her arms strong.

She cares for her body. She does not grow lazy or cease to care for her needs. She keeps herself attractive for her husband.

¹⁸She perceives that her merchandise is profitable.
Her lamp does not go out at night.

While she sleeps, that which she has invested in, planted, and worked for is still producing.

¹⁹She puts her hands to the distaff,
and her hands hold the spindle.

She works…nothing is too menial to her. She is capable at everything.

²⁰She opens her hand to the poor
and reaches out her hands to the needy.

She cares for those in need. She does not limit herself and her giving to her family.

²¹She is not afraid of snow for her household,
for all her household are clothed in scarlet.

Quality. Her produce and attention to detail have made sure that those under her care will be well-dressed, warm, and their needs will be met.

²²She makes bed coverings for herself;
her clothing is fine linen and purple.

She dresses well. Quality, once again. Her appearance will not bring dishonor to her husband. Her dress suits the situation. Also, her lovebed is well prepared.:-) Probably cute lingerie is involved somewhere.:-)

²³Her husband is known in the gates
when he sits among the elders of the land.

Her faithfulness and work in what he gives her brings him honor. He is blessed in his wise choice in choosing her.

²⁴She makes linen garments and sells them;
she delivers sashes to the merchant.

Once again, productivity. Her produce is quality. She has more than her household needs so she is able to increase her husband’s income.

²⁵Strength and dignity are her clothing,
and she laughs at the time to come.

She is prepared for what may come. Her reputation and wisdom will stand against whatever is thrown at her. She does not fear for God is her strength and foundation. She trusts Him.

²⁶She opens her mouth with wisdom,
and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.

Her faith, experience and education have given her wisdom. She shares it, kindly and graciously, instructing others. She is not rude or abrasive. Her counsel is sought.

²⁷She looks well to the ways of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.

She oversees, knows the ins and outs, accounts for the finances, feeds her household, studies scripture. She is always faithfully working, never slothfully lazy.

²⁸Her children rise up and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:

Her work and faithfulness have not gone unnoticed. She receives respect and honor for all she has done and given. She finds rest.

²⁹"Many women have done excellently,
but you surpass them all."

His words of praise to her. He is proud of her, does not regret his choice of her as his helpmeet. This man adores his wife and will die for her.

³⁰Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

Focus not on outward beauty or skills, develop inward beauty and all will follow. Fear God, honor Him and He will honor you. Faithfulness yet again.

³¹Give her of the fruit of her hands,
and let her works praise her in the gates.

Her work and faithfulness will be seen and honored. She will not be forgotten.

Blessings...

~Christine

Letting Go...

2010-08-06T22:42:00.003-05:00

"For every tear, a lesson learned,
Every good time golden,
But now it's time to let you go,
And I will not be broken."
Girlfriend ~Eve 6.

A voice on the wind, a still moment, a coming understanding, an accepted freedom...all of these are mine tonight.

Letting go...not giving up of hope but the return of the dream to Christ and the Heavenly Father, knowing that no matter what, this is His will and His way...also, one less layer between His heart and mine...and that, in and of it's self, is enough.

Instead of demanding why, understand that it is reason enough that the Father said "No". He saw fit to take away His blessing...He giveth and he taketh away.

"Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the Lord." Psalm 31:24

"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

"I know, O Lord, that your rules are righteous,
and that in faithfulness you have afflicted me.
Let your steadfast love comfort me
according to you promise to your servant." Psalm 119:75-76.

"Fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous
right hand." Isaiah 41:10

"The Lord of hosts has sworn:
'As I have purposed,
so shall it be,
and as I have purposed,
so shall it stand." Isaiah 14:24

These are but a few of the verses which have comforted my soul in the past few months. Daily I am upheld and strengthen...blessed beyond belief.

Blessings...
~Christine

Dreams Will Come True If They Are From God...

2010-05-13T07:09:00.001-05:00

Don't you know that God plants his own lovely dream in the human heart and that when that dream is mature and the time is right for it's fulfillment, well, suddenly to our astonishment and delight, His will becomes ours and ours His. Now who but God could have thought out anything as perfect as this?" ~Peter Marshal in "A Man Called Peter."

Heartbreak...

2010-05-12T16:47:00.002-05:00

And the pain comes again.

I trusted...it was broken.

Now Christ must heal the wound.

Time...

One Foot in Front of the Other...

2010-04-30T20:49:00.002-05:00

I suppose I'm not the only person who has ever had a perfect plan made only to have God tell you, without any doubt, that you have to change them.

Now, if you are anything like me you go through this 24-72 hour span of time where you are pretty sure the world is ending (and yes, you spend the whole time persuading yourself that everything will be ok) and your friends are saints, listening to you work through your problems. Towards the end of this time period your neuron pathways are beginning to realign to the fact that things aren't going to be how you planned then and your new plan is being formed...

So yes, I had some major plans change and I had a choice...change the plans of loose that which I loved the most. Waiting for God and trusting Him I have discovered doesn't come naturally.

But when you pray, force yourself to trust no matter what, give it to your Heavenly Father something wonderful happens...peace.

It's worth the trial just to reach the peace that comes when you trust God.

~Christine

smiles

2009-12-29T19:23:00.002-06:00

Life goes forward...I smile...a lot...:-)

He makes me happy...:-)

Real Life Fairytale - Plumb

2009-12-10T20:38:00.002-06:00

I smile a lot these days...:-) He makes me happy...:-) Never fight God's providence.

You ran around inside my head
When you passed out, I felt dead
And I realized you make me live
And when my world starts to cave in, you jump inside and take my hand
No matter where, you are there
Will I ever see, what you could see in me? I do, I just believe that we will always be and dream, yeah
Well, I will never be the sign that we must see, that you and me were meant to be so just believe why we are together

You are my light, you are my star,

You are my sunshine and my dark
You are the everything I dreamed about
You are the guy who stole my heart
I am the girl you're always smiling for
We have a love people dream about
A real life fairytale

I thought that I would be alone
You caught my eye and I was home
And I realized that this was love
I see the world through different eyes
I look at you by my side
No matter where, you're always there
Will I ever see what you could see in me? I do, I just believe that we will always be and dream, yeah
Well, I will never be the side that you will see, that you and me were meant to be so just believe why we are together

You are my light, you are my star
You are my sunshine and my dark
You are the everything I dreamed about
You are the guy who stole my heart
I am the girl you're always smiling for
We have a love people dream about
Dream with me, make me believe that this is a real life fairytale!

You are my light, you are my star
You are my sunshine, and my dark
You are the everything I dreamed about!
You are the guy who stole my heart
I am the girl you're always smiling for
We have a love people dream about
A real life fairytale
A real life fairtytale
A real life fairytale

The First Page...

2009-10-22T23:15:00.000-05:00

Forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead. ~Philippians 3:13.

It’s odd leaving one’s childhood behind. On October 9, 2009, I stood for the last time in the backyard of my childhood home and said goodbye…my life so different than it once was, but I found no need for tears. It was time to go and there was peace in my heart. I knew, deep down in the innermost parts of my soul that God was calling me elsewhere. No questions or doubts on my part…Fort Worth is now where I am called to be…at least for a short time.

It has been a hard year. Failing the NCLEX, Mother getting sick, loosing the man I loved, and, finally, loosing that Mother who had always been the strength and backbone of my family. Many tears have been shed, many prayers prayed, and daily a heart full of pain and anguish raised to the only One who hears the deepest cry of the heart. A few nights before leaving Shreveport for Fort Worth the dam finally broke and all the tears that had been locked away finally were loosed and I wept…and in that weeping something beautiful happened. I let go. I let go of dreams I had been holding onto, scared to give up and I realized that all would be well. I was finally ready to put that chapter of my life behind me and look forward to the future with a heart filled with excitement.

And then, something exciting did happen. God, in His beautiful wisdom, worked everything out and now I sit here, three weeks after leaving Shreveport, happier than I have been in months and more ready than ever to move forward.

Quietly and without drama (only those of you who know me well will understand the significance of that statement) God brought love and hope back into my heart in the form of a wonderful man named Zachary Franklin. Would you care for a story?

It begins ten years ago, on May 29, 1999. My family was attending our first Southern Heritage Ball in Monroe, LA as was the Franklin family. Now, for all of you who have been to the Monroe Balls, I don’t need to spell it out too much…you know how it works. Families and kids meet and we all kept up with each other, seeing each other once or twice a year. And sometimes things happen…sometimes.:-)

Well, I asked Zach back in May to attend my darling Julie’s wedding on October 25^th with me as I needed a good dance partner. Zach, being the gentleman he is and always up for a good time, of course said yes. Over the summer we talked a couple of times and I suppose got to know each other better. Being that we are both in the medical profession (he’s and EMT/Paramedic) we always have plenty of disgusting things to talk about so to put it lightly our conversations are quite interesting (medical people really shouldn’t be allowed to date). Then, the week I moved to Fort Worth, I was on the phone with Zach discussing some major drama that had happened and our conversation had wandered to other topics when he mentioned that he would like to do medical missions…and that was pretty much it. A switch somewhere deep inside me switched and I pretty much knew that I know liked Zachary Franklin…my first thought was pretty much “Oh great, God what are you up to this time? Really? Honestly?”

So, I decided to behave myself, but apparently He could tell that I was interested so he dug up an excuse to come up that week…for you see, Zach has apparently has apparently been secretly crushing on me for 10 years unknown to anyone. His sister, Rachel, who happens to be one of my best friends, was giving him a couch and so he suddenly had an urgent reason to come get it. He came, we felt each other out while hanging out with some friends, he went back home, and that Saturday, one week after moving, he asked me out…and I couldn’t think of a good reason to say no…so I said yes and was quite happy and excited about the fact. Something about everything that was happening just seemed to fit.

Well, we kept it quiet (unusual for me I know) and only told our families that week. A blessing was obtained from his parents, Rachel approved, and I called my dad and filled him in…and surprisingly he was cool with it as well. So, after a long hard day at work Zach picked me up and took me off to Carrabbas for dinner and my ever favorite Pomegranate Martini…J It was one of those epic fail first dates…for him anyway…I was martini happy…but we came through it and quite enjoyed ourselves by the end of it. Agreeing that we really wanted to see it this could work we parted ways at 3am and I went to bed.

The next day we headed to Shreveport, beginning to spread the good news to friends along the way…everyone was quite shocked as all of this was very out of the blue…and eventually arrived in Shreveport for the great moving party (Thank you every so much to Randie, Robbie, Jaime, Paul and Evan for all their help getting me into the new apartment.) Zach was also able to have a chat with Daddy and received his blessing for our go ahead. It was quite a lovely weekend…J

So now, the adventure starts and we shall see where it ends up. I for one, am quite excited…He sends me roses at work…I just happen to think that’s very nice…J It’s nice to smile again…J

It's Been a Good While...

2009-09-16T12:51:00.001-05:00

This dear place seems to be sadly neglected...unfortunately, it to must wait for the great move to Fort Worth and the Apartment move in...

I'll be back with great thoughts yet unknown...

In the meantime...Life....welll, it's happy today!

Remembering Momma...

2009-08-05T13:53:00.001-05:00

It is hard for me to find words to say. People ask me if I am “alright” and if I am “doing ok” and I always say yes. However, somewhere, deep down, there is a longing, different than any I have ever felt before laying there, slowly rising to the surface as the days go by and the reality of what I have lost begins to come.

I was blessed to be the daughter of an amazing woman, one whose example helped mold and shape me into who I am today. In the last eight months, during my mother’s illness, I was gifted to begin to know my mother in a different way. We didn’t have any life changing conversations, in fact we probably talked less during this time of our lives than ever before, but I would visit her daily, check in on her, help care for her, and just make sure she was ok. I was there to try to boost her spirits when they fell, bounce in on a cloudy day dressed like the spring to make her smile, and in the last month I sat down with her and shared with her my plans for my life, something which I had never done before.

Was this enough? No. I still feel that I could have done more, and I know I could have but my own life got in the way. However, my mother was an understanding saint and she saw that I was also going through a time of immense hurt and emotional pain in my own life and that I was trying to spread my wings and figure out where I should take my life. Did I have enough time with her? No. And daily, as the reality begins to sink in it hits me with what it means to never be able to speak to your mother again, to never run to her in excitement with your latest discovery or find in life. I have begun to realize that she will not be there on the day when I get married, or have my children. My children, like me, will never know my mother as I never knew her mother…strange how this pattern remains. Those special moments will still be precious but lacking.

As I write this, for the first time since my phone rang and my father’s voice told me the news, tears are coming to my eyes and the pain rises in all of its awful reality. I grieve, not that she is in Heaven, but for my loss, for I have indeed lost. She is happy and well, surrounded by those who she said good bye to in her own life. She is now rejoined with her mother, several dear elderly friends and relatives, each of whom she in turn mourned. She is happy, finally able to do everything that she has dreamed of for so long. I can see her sitting happily on a perfect beach on Prince Edward Island or wandering through the Yorkshire Dales as she always wanted to do. Joy is hers and the loss is ours.

One thing I know. My mother’s spirit and zest for life do remain on this earth…I inherited them. My mother taught me how to see people, how to have grace for them, and how to give up and allow people to make their mistakes. I wish that I had realized this long before I became 22. How much more I could have learned. Of all my mother’s three daughters, it is I who am the most like her. She often said it herself and though I realized the truth of this I never grasped how much of a blessing this was until her illness and her old friends came to see her and to be with her. Unfailingly they would look at me, look at my mother and tell her how much I was just like her. At first I smiled, then I began to hear stories and memories about Momma. It was truly amazing. I am honored indeed to be the one to carry her likeness, albeit with my own special quirks, to the world for a little while longer.

Now, only memories remain…Here are a few that I have…

Picking zinnias, one of her favorite flowers, in the gardens in the summer…

Learning how to make gravy…

How she smelt after coming home from a day at work when we would run out to the car to greet her in excitement…the sent of her scrubs, clean and fresh with a hint of something that I have yet to pinpoint…I miss it.

Long talks in the evening while getting ready for bed, just me and Mom when she got home at 11 o’clock at night, staying up late for no reason in particular. Then there would be nights when all four of us girls would stay up late, sitting on the bathroom counters, talking while we “got ready for bed.”

The road trips up to Mr. Moon’s Farm all during my childhood, getting up early, eating a fresh farm breakfast, and playing in creeks all the day; one of my mother’s best gifts to me as a child and teenager. The creeks, the dirty clothes, the animals, the insanity…how special it was.

Mother’s cooking…beef stew, roast beef, chicken pot pie, baked chicken with carrots and potatoes, cabbage and pork chops (one of my least favorites but she loved it).

The many, many things she did daily to make us a better family, to give us gifts, to provide for us…I cannot name them all. All done from a mother’s love…

The proud smile on her face the last time I saw her before her illness as Claire and I came downstairs on our way out the door headed to church dressed to the nines…

Her words to me as she had the honor of giving me my nursing pin when I graduated in May of 2008…

The one email I received from her…

These are just a few. For those of you who read these words that never had the honor to meet my wonderful, crazy, and insane mother I am sorry that you were never able to…you would probably understand me so much more. Anne White was a woman who loved all those who crossed her path, who was an angel to the sick and needy, who went out of her way to help everyone no matter what it took out of her. Yes, we had our bad days, believe me when I say that my mom and I clashed very often but we were, for the most part, always friends. She saw to it that her daughters were prepared for life, leaving only the work of raising Claire unfinished but she died in the comfort that her faithful friends and her two older daughters and husband would be there to look after her baby.

I could go on for quite a while but I think I shall end this tribute here with a few final words…

Thank you to EVERYONE who raised prayers and supplications for my mother’s healing and return home. Thank you to everyone who provided food, time, and effort in the eight months that she was sick to come see her and fellowship with her. Thank you all of the friends and loved ones that drove long distances to be with my family and me as we placed my mother in her final resting place. I don’t have any words to tell you how much it means to me. I have been awed and overwhelmed by the love and generosity that we have seen.

For myself, most of all, I would like to thank those friends and loved ones of my mother who came to see her during those eight months who took the time to get to know me as well and took the time to tell me stories of the Anne “Zing” White that all of you knew. It helped open my eyes to how blessed I am to be my mother’s daughter and how wonderful it is to be so similar to her. Thank you, for all you have done for me.

Finally, to all the Doctors and Nurses who took care of Momma, thank you for all your work and tireless effort on her behalf. She would not have made it through the last eight months without your hard work and dedication. I am truly grateful. Thank you does not suffice for all you have done but for now it will have to do until I find a better way to say it.

Love and Blessings…

~Christine

The Finished Race...

2009-07-23T13:11:00.004-05:00

This morning, after a long and painful eight month battle with pancreatitis and it's complications, my mother, Anne Marie Zeringue White, passed away at the age of 54. She left peacefully, with her husband and my father at her bedside holding her hand. She is now resting in the arms of her Savior, surrounded by those who she loved who have gone before her, most significantly of all, her Mother who passed away when Mom was but 22 years old.

I am currently on vacation in Virginia, visiting old friends, some of whom are driving back with me tonight. Services are tomorrow and Saturday.

Thank all of you for your prayers...

Blessings...

~Christine

Summer Weddings and Vacations...

2009-07-08T16:52:00.002-05:00

Well, what a busy summer so far.

School full time would be enough but of course I can't just keep things simple so I added a full time job, a mother in the hospital, three weddings in the space of a month and a half, one two week vacation, moving to Fort Worth, and eating....all before The middle of September. I'm crazy...ok, hush now, I know we already knew that.

So, I just payed $400 for my first ever car repair on the new car...in preparation for driving to VA on Monday for wedding number 3. And I got a new inspection sticker into the bargain. All I can say is...Daddy made me do it. :-) Daddy's are so smart sometimes...and it's driving so much smoother now. Yeah, I know, I'm such a girl. :-)

Lyndsey's wedding was this past weekend...it was beautiful as always...pictures soon!

And then yesterday...Mom, who has been doing so well lately, had a seizure. Turns out it's not anything like lesions on her brain but instead its metabolic issues which have yet to be explored and so they are going to give her some new pills. Everything is well for now.

And I will get around to a real update soon...for now, must run!!!

Blessings!

~Christine

And Time Marches On...

2009-06-14T22:22:00.000-05:00

Life is such a funny thing. So incredibly changing. Maybe it’s just the fact that I am 23 and it’s “that time in my life”, or maybe it is how life will always be. One thing I know, it’s never going to be “normal.” What is normal life anyway? I’ve often wondered and I usually arrive at the conclusion that it would be pretty boring.

Tonight, I applied for my nursing license in Texas. Lord willing, I shall be happily ensconced in an adorable apartment, cooking food for my friends, busily working on school, orienting a new job…all in Fort Worth, by the first week of September. It’s going to be pretty much the most awesome thing ever. Mr. Hurd thinks I should try for Downtown…I must say that the idea has charm. We shall see.:-)

I have new steam behind me in this move. Last night my Father informed me that he has decided to sell the Pecan Street House. Now, you must know that this is the house where I grew up. It’s the one I was brought home from the hospital too. I spent the first 16 years of my life here and then, once I graduated, I found myself renting it from my parents. Need I say that I have a connection with this place? It’s sad to leave it behind and know that life won’t ever be the same. This place has always been here…yes, I am being nostalgic.:-) Who can blame me?

But then I think ahead. Wonderful adventures await! Fort Worth will be wonderful and the goal of moving to England remains. We shall see what God brings. Many wounds to my soul are being healed right now and I am excited to see what God shall bring.

Latest life plan idea…being a nurse on a Marine Biology boat. Something about that just sounds fun!

Blessings…

~Christine

Of Happy Places and Wedding Vows...

2009-06-10T15:33:00.000-05:00

This weekend my darling little friend, Hannah Treadway tied the knot with the love of her life, Micah Hurd...Here's a snapshot of the weekend...see facebook for more pics.:-)

Jaime and I...he's pretty much the most amazing little brother ever!

This is what happiness looks like...Jaime, Hannah, Micah, and Rachel.:-)

Way too cute...Amanda, Melody, Allison Treadway and Brooke Hampton.

Lindsey and Benedict.:-)

Random...

It's my happy place for a reason...from the Hurd's front yard...amazing isn't it?

From the backyard apartment...

Cameron, Hurd #11. Not the face of innocence.:-)

Abigail and Michael Kramer...one of the world's cutest couples!

Kitty Digest.

Amanda...the world's most amazing maid of honour!

Pretty much my new favorite picture!

Myself, Keri, and Ashley...at the wedding!

Ethan, Jaime, and Aaron.

Mr. and Mrs. Micah Hurd...Adorable are they not?

Sooooo happy!

*just laughs*

There you are...enjoy!

Blessings,

~Christine

Looking Forward...

2009-06-02T00:41:00.000-05:00

“Forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead.” ~Philippians 3:13.

“All the privilege I claim for my own sex (it is not a very enviable one: you need not covet it), is that of loving longest, when existence and hope is gone.” ~Jane Austen, Persuasion.

“It was unspeakably worth the wait.” ~Elisabeth Elliot.

These verses and quotes are ones that frequently find their way into my mind these days. The prayer of every moment is “Thy will be done.” So simple a phrase, so hard to uphold.

Sanctification. Why is it that we cannot see and rest in the will of our savior? I know, without a doubt that He acts on my behalf but daily I find myself trying to take my life out of His control and daily I am forced to return my steps and ways unto Him

Tonight I find myself sitting up late when I should be catching up on much needed rest, thinking of things which I cannot change. The what if’s that haunt my mind and the things which I wish I could change remain the same. The treasure that was taken away must be sacrificed and day after day my heart must be sacrificed to the Lord’s will for my life.

One person very dear to me has often told me that I have a “martyrs’ complex.” Honestly, I have to admit that I do. He has, on more than one occasion, been right about my personality. However, sometimes I think he completely missed this key point and desire of my heart. My heart longs for the Lord, I strain to love Him enough to be able to stand up, no matter the result, and say that the Lord is my God. What kind of faith did the saints of old possess that enabled them to look lions, emperors, and torture in the face and never waver from the steadfastness that has given them a place in history. What was it that made us remember their stories?

So, my friends, I have an announcement to make. It is time for me to move forward, to leave this place and go forth on my adventures. Three weeks ago I made the decision to move, at the end of this summer, to Fort Worth, Lord willing. I have wonderful friends, an excellent church, and a job will be no problem. This stay in Shreveport has been good for me. It made me consider where I came from, revisit my childhood and the pains of the past. This house, this home, once a place of so many happy memories is also the place where the greatest hurt of my life was incurred. I have thought and prayed about it, spoken to my mother and received her blessing, and my decision made. It is time to leave what lies behind and move forward to that which lies ahead.

Fort Worth has long been a place where I have found blessings and happiness. I am blessed to be loved dearly by a wonderful family there and I can hardly wait to be near to my friends who I have spent so much time with over the past eight years. Yes, I will be farther away from my family but by the end of the summer Momma should be doing much better and it is time for me to leave. I have always known I would one day and I feel that the time is now. Louisiana will always be treasured as the first home of my heart, but it is not where I am to remain. Desire pulls my away. We shall see where God shall guide.

Tonight, as my heart rests here, I know that I am a blessed woman. God’s mercies to me abound. The very fact that I am still able to lay eyes on my mother daily alone speaks how blessed I am. But more than that, I have come to see that even though I lost that which was dearest to my heart, my Heavenly Father saw fit to bring it back to me in such a way that gives me back that which I treasured most. What could be more gracious than that?

So, as I rest here, the Psalms playing on the itunes bringing peace to my heart, I find that this has been a good, but lonely day. Loneliness is that which I struggle with the most. I have come to realize that it is God’s way of drawing me closer to Him. Why is hearing His call so hard so often?

Enough rambling…time for sleep. May our Heaven Father guard and guide you!

Blessings,

~Christine

School...

2009-06-01T15:08:00.000-05:00

Somebody re-enlighten me. I went back to nursing school why?

Oh yeah....I remember now...:-)

Just keep swimming....just keep swimming...

Lead Me To The Cross

2009-05-14T09:53:00.000-05:00

Savior I come
Quiet my soul remember
Redemptions hill
Where Your blood was spilled
For my ransom
Everything I once held dear
I count it all as lost

Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross

You were as I
Tempted and trialed
You are
The word became flesh
Bore my sin and death
Now you're risen

To your heart
To your heart
Lead me to your heart
Lead me to your heart

Blessings,
~Christine

Song for the Night...

2009-05-12T22:36:00.000-05:00

It the midst of pain He raises you up...

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

This comforts me tonight. That and His everlasting love.

Blessings,
~Christine

My New Favorite Definition...

2009-05-06T21:43:00.000-05:00

Recently a very good friend directed me to listen to a sermon that his pastor had preached that Sunday as he thought it would be helpful to me. The pastor quoted someone whose name escapes me...

"Self-control: The difference between what is important and what is urgent."

Think about it. Looking into the fridge what is it that is the most important to you? Eating that cake or dropping those pounds? In conversation is it having the last word or preserving a friendship? In sacrificing the desire of your heart is it having momentary contact with the object of your desire or leaving that desire in God's hands for His timing to bring it back to you?

Just something to think about...

Blessings,
~Christine

Following...

2009-05-05T00:01:00.000-05:00

Tonight I did something that I have never done before. I let my desire lead me to where God wanted me for the evening. Does that make any sense? Explanation following...

My off-Mondays follow a very consistent pattern. Wake up late with good intentions for getting lots of stuff done but always ending in a lot of rest after a weekend of work with some shopping thrown in as Friday was payday. Today was different. My soul was dry. I awoke for the first time in my newly painted bedroom. Wanting to relax I decided to do just that. The visit to Mom could wait. My Bible found it's way into my hands and I read. The journal came next, followed by reading a bit of Eldredge. Around noon I finally left my bed and headed to the hospital. An old friend of my mothers had come to see her...one of those who I hadn't seen since I was a lot shorter than I am now. It turned into a blessing. :-) We had a lovely visit around Mom's bedside and were joined by my DON (Director of Nurses) who happens to be another friend of Mom's from the past (all three of them were in the same sorority at different times).

I find friends from my parent's past to be very interesting. They will tell you things about them that Mom and Dad would never mention themselves. They tell you how they saw your parents and how your parents touched their lives. In my case they usually end by telling my that I am just like my Mom...I'm beginning to decide that it's not a bad thing.:-)

And so the visit ended and I went on with my day. At some point I found myself spending money at Dillards which is speedily becoming my favorite place to shop. Then Kroger and home for dinner and my usual episode of House, followed by Dancing with the Stars, and then Castle. Usually to be finished off with Facebook, Gmail, some chats, and then bed.

Tonight, however, in the middle of House I felt a pull. I sometimes get these and I know it's Christ calling me to time with Him, usually in a beautiful place outside somewhere. I ignored it for a while...then it became more insistent. By the time House was over I was ready to go. I found myself heading to the "Duck Pond." It's a park alongside a bayou close to where my Grandmother used to live. I wandered there for a little while, still feeling that I was not quite where God would have me. I next found myself on my way to the hospital. Collette, the old friend was there again. We had a short visit with Mom, who just happened to be falling asleep for the night, talked with Dr. SanPedro, and headed off.

Collette asked if we could head to Starbucks so that she could catch up with what had been going on in her dear friend's life over the past few years. I obliged and the time was blessed. I am beginning to love the adventure of Desire. :-) It takes you to thing that you might otherwise have missed.:-)

Blessings,
~Christine

A new week...

2009-05-04T11:27:00.000-05:00

Oh life...there are times when you seem to move so slowly!

Monday morning...I worked the weekend and have decided to spend the morning in bed doing nothing and catch up on my rest before school starts and my life goes crazy. Much to do but this time is not wasted. Four books and a journal lie next to me and I find that they help with the questions. Pandora plays...filling my heart with the songs of the redeemed.

My mind begins to fill with things that must be done today...laundry, dishes, vacuuming, mopping...not to mention finishing painting the closet. I suppose I should eat at some point as well. :-)

Let me go...walk the walk that He would have for me today. It sometimes amuses me to think how He leads me even in day to day mundaness.

Self-control - Deciding between what is important and what is urgent. The definition helps. Just a thought for whoever among you find it useful.:-)

Blessings,
~Christine

Calling All Angels...

2009-04-20T23:01:00.000-05:00

Due to several recent requests of exactly what has happened with Mom, I am going to start this out with a "short" recap. Right now Mom is resting quietly, while sedated on the ventilator again.

On November 24, the Monday before Thanksgiving, Mom was taken to the ER at Glenwood Regional Medical Center where she was diagnosed with Acute Pancreatitis and sent to the Cardiovascular ICU (which turned into a great mercy). She was still awake that night when I arrived and it seemed that she was going to have a normal rough bout of this incredibly painful illness, and then be out of the hospital relatively quickly. Unfortunately, we were wrong. The next day her body began failing due to the toxins released by the pancreas sending her into acute respiratory distress (ARDS) with systemic inflammatory response syndrome (SIRS). This lead to her being placed on a ventilator along with kidney and liver failure. She was placed on dialysis almost immediately and was in a sedated coma for about a month and a half all together. The week of Christmas a fear began to surface that she had lost mental function due to her very low blood pressure the first week of her illness. It turned out to be some added liver failure.

However, she did rally from this. The week after Christmas, with much rejoicing by all the prayer warriors involved (I have been amazed by the people praying for her.), she woke up, recognized everyone, and began smiling. Her kindey function returned and they began trying to wean her off the vent. This however turned into a longer process than we originally thought it would due to the fluid imbalances that she was having.

In January she was transferred to Willis Knighton Medical Center in Shreveport so that Dr. Zabari and his team could look into the pancreatic cysts that had developed and where now in her abdomen. Drains were placed and they seemed be successfully draining at that time. She also finally got off the vent and was doing well enough to start physical therapy and to be transferred out to the Stepdown unit and from there to Promise Hospital Bossier, a Long Term Acute Care, so that she could be under the care of my most beloved and amazing Dr. San Pedro who I work with at Willis Knighton Bossier.

While at Promise she began getting much better and I began to rest easy. Her trach was finally removed and she, while depressed, seemed to be on the road to recovery. Unfortunately, at this time she had a drug resistant strain of Pseudonymous which began to cause some trouble. Also, at this time the drains began to stop working and her large, main drain was accidentally pulled out by physical therapy while they were assisting her back to bed after one of her morning sessions. However, we found that the tube was blocked and so wasn't working. Dr. San Pedro began pulling fluid from the two drains left daily until they stopped and Mom was all set to have her drains replaced to larger ones as the doctors began thinking that the fluid in the cysts was just to thick to be pulled out through the ones present.

Then the return to ICU happened. Two weeks ago, right before the drains were scheduled to be replaced, Mom spiked a temp, her heart rate accelerated, and her blood pressure (BP) began to bottom out. It was feared that she had thrown a blood clot that had ended up in her lung causing a pulmonary embolus but that was ruled out by a CAT scan and as the day went on it became more apparent that she was becoming septic (really bad infection) in her blood stream.

She was moved across the street to Willis Knighton Bossier (where I work) and placed in the ICU there. It was great having my doctors care for her, knowing her nurses, and being surrounded by my work family. Props to all of you! :-) Dr. Mainous, General Surgery, was consulted and two operations later she was doing great having had all the rotten junk that was living inside of her cleaned out (see my past two notes for more detail regarding the surgeries). We moved forward trying to aggressively wean her off the vent. And thus concludes the summary...yeah, I know, ridiculously long.

This weekend I worked and so was able to run down to the ICU several times a day to check on Mom. She was doing pretty well and I had a small party when Dr. San Pedro was rounding on my patient's and he told me that the tube was being pulled on Saturday. Mom was awake Friday and making motions that she wanted her tube out right now. Saturday she did well off the vent, other than her oxygen saturation dropping very time she pulled her high flow oxygen make off...yeah, the drugs were still with her a good bit. Dad and Claire came to visit that night and all was satisfactory.

Then yesterday happened. At 8 that morning when I headed down after getting my day in order, she was fine, tired, but stable. At 10, for visiting hours, she had spiked a temp of 103 which dropped after some tylenol and didn't go back up, but her respirations became labored. At noon when I went in to check before my lunch run to Subway I found respiratory rolling in a BIPAP (forces air in her lungs via a mask strapped to her face and helps her breath...not a good thing to see) into her room and Dr. San Pedro at the bedside working over her putting an ART line in to monitor her blood pressure and to draw ABG's (a lab that tell you how well the patient is breathing). It really wasn't a good afternoon. She struggled to breath until about 5 pm when Dr. San Pedro rounded upstairs finally and told me that she was now opening her eyes (she had been unresponsive before) and trying to talk a bit. Catherine came to town, finally, and so the 5pm visiting found the whole family together at this beside. I do wish it had been more cheerful.

At 7pm when I went to check on her before I headed home I found her looking a good bit better but still working at breathing and the BIPAP still on. I headed out to dinner with my two work buddies to destress and laugh a bit. Dr. San Pedro called me about 8:30 to tell me that he was having to put Mom back on the vent and that he was going to get a trach replaced. Not what I wanted to hear but I couldn't say that I was surprised.

This morning found her resting peacefully and looking much better. Her trach is to be placed tomorrow. The Pseudemonous has mutated again to another drug resistant strain. She's got some other bugs that aren't helping things either. They also found that Mom had aspirated her tube feeding when they put the tube back down...a.k.a she inhaled it into her lung. All this is not good but she still can get over this. We are not yet at the point of no return.

However, that being said, I will not pretend that Mom is not seriously ill. Her body has taken many hits and much now depends upon her will to live. Prayers are needed more than ever. Any visitors, cards, anything that I can read to her are welcome. Even though she is in a drug induced coma she can still hear to the best of my knowledge. We serve a mighty God who works miracles. Hope is not lost. Mom is critical in the fullest sense of the word but there is still something for us to work with. Keep up the prayers. She needs them!

Also, keep Daddy in your prayers. The toll of this is beginning to more and more visibly wear on him. He needs strength to carry on as well.

Thank each and every one of you for the prayers sent heavenward for her.

Blessings,
~Christine

The Gift of Singleness...

2009-03-23T23:32:00.000-05:00

Often times, in the world of reformed theology, the young people are taught to prepare themselves for marriage. Now, before I go any farther I would like it understood that I am not saying that this time a bad thing. It is something that we should be teaching. However, what happens when those dreams of marriage don't pan out the way we want them too? Do we wait in contentment or do the phrases like "old maid" and "bachelor" haunt us as we go about our life and make us feel unworthy? Do we feel blessed by this time and take the opportunities it offers or do we grow bitter that we have no one special as we watch all of our friends sail happily off into the sunset after beautiful weddings and then watch them start their families?

Right now, I find myself in a time of singleness during which God is doing amazing things with my heart. I also find myself in a time when the majority of my close friends are being joined in the holy bond of matrimony. There is something amusingly sadistic about having to sit by and watch everyone in bliss while you nurse a broken heart. That is until you realize that maybe it's not so bad. For me, I opened up some old dreams that I had put away and began to think of things that I would like to do if God willed that my life was to be one where I was called to live "alone." Also, God used an amazing woman to guide me towards a series of books that opened my heart to God's healing hand and in the past two months I have realized that maybe a period of singlehood isn't as bad as it seems.

What could I do with this time? Technically I am free to do what I wish. I have an excellent job, a nice car, loving friends, and a very blessed family. My job is pretty much my calling in life right now as I look at it closely I see more and more that I have been put in a pretty interesting spot. The Physicians find me intelligent and interesting to talk to, my fellow nurses are still trying to figure me out and I am gradually winning the hearts of all those that I work with. Just the other day I found myself sitting cross legged in my chair having an avid discussion with several other nurse's about covenantal theology (one of them had asked me what "Reformed" meant). Unknown to me, Dr. Shah, was sitting behind me listening to the conversation. I cant help but wonder if perhaps a seed or two was planted. The Doctors are beginning to call me the "Little Bird" due to my habit of walking up and down the halls singing hymns. At the very least everyone is figuring out that I am not quite your average girl.

All that to say, there is a purpose. Right now God has placed me in a time I would rather not be in. I would much rather be buying expensive white dresses and picking out flower arrangements with the love of my life...or that was what I thought.

Who is a greater lover than our heavenly father? Who will fill our life more that He? And what better time to grow close to Him that when we are single? The distractions are less...in some ways we are allowed to be more self-absorbed. We can focus more closely on what God is doing with our heart and with our lives. We are free to live our dreams...at least the ones that don't include husbands and families. We are free, and I apologize for using this phrasing, to find ourselves. Right now I am free to follow His will to the farthest corners of the earth if He calls me to that. I am free to dance and dream. Right now as I delve into His arms deeper to find the comfort that my broken heart needs I find more and more that He would guide my dreams to do and the healing in slowly coming. My love and heart for Him grows stronger day by day. Also, He woke a dream in my heart that I had forgotten and Lord willing I will follow it and I cannot wait to see where it could lead. I grow more and more excited day by day to see if I am the tool that God would use to bring Christianity in all it's glory to the world...yes, I said the world. When you dream with God you get to dream big.

Remember,

"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up
what is planted;
a time to kill and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to
build up;
a time to weep, a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones, and a time to
gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain
from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to loose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to
speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace." (Ecclesiaties 3:1-8)

Might not some of God's greatest purposes for you be while you are single? Might that not be the time that He draws you closer to Him and in doing so even better prepares you to be the wife or husband that you so greatly desire to be? This is the time that you build the foundation upon which the rest of your life will follow. Make the most of it. Pour yourself into Him. Open your heart to your dreams...He is the one who gave them to you after all. Did you ever think that it might be for a reason. Don't kill your heart with the discontent and bitterness that comes with being "forgotten." He hasn't left you behind...He just has a different plan.

Personally, I have enough single plans to fill the rest of my life and not have a dull moment. There is so much you can do! So many things that God can use you for. Yes, wounds come, hearts break, and dreams die...but they are healed and recreated by the Great Physician...the Commander of Angel Armies. He will guide your desires and take you along a path that you could never have dreamed of. Be content for He has not forgotten you. You get to be one that is truly different with a unique calling. What can be more amazing than that?

"Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him...I think that in view of the present distress it is good for a person to remain as he is...I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man in anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord." (1 Corinthians 7:17, 26, 32-35)

Do not stop desiring the husband or wife of your dreams but also do not allow that desire to run your whole life so that you miss the big picture. There is so much God can use you for as a single Christian and teach you that you can't learn when you are married. One thing I know, I am learning to contentment and trust. I am learning to be happy despite living in one of the hardest time in my life and people do notice that. They see there is a difference in how you handle disappointment and it makes them ask questions.

Desire the husband or wife as your case may be and do not cease to pray to that end...God truly does answer prayers and He gives you desires for a reason. Sometimes they just come differently than we think they should. And perhaps, following the dreams He gives us will lead us strait into the arms of the one He has planned for us to spend the rest of our lives with...It's all very exciting!

I hope this helped some of you...

Blessings...
~Christine

Weekends...and full moons...

2009-01-11T21:28:00.001-06:00

Amazingly, it was a quiet weekend.

Usually, a full moon always brings with it a hectic weekend filled with psychotic patients and family members...or sometimes just psychotic family members. They are worse than psychotic patients, btw.

This weekend, for me at least, was a rather quiet one. Quite a few little gems of humanity resided in the six rooms that I generally care for...of course the nice side was that one of my rooms was being cultured for VRE and was therefore blocked until further notice from the infection control department.

I have to say, the thing I do love about my job is the people one comes across. Human beings are incredibly interesting and the dynamics of the hospital floor never cease to amaze. Anything from the aids who think that there are abused and mistreated to the insanity of the administration...the fact that Joint Commission is on it's way helps nothing. Apparently, we are up for inspection...at least that is what they have been frantically running around telling us for the past few months. Oh well, we shall all live through it.:-D

Other than work, mom continues onward. A few complications today but over all, as far as I can tell, we are proceeding in the right direction. Her kidneys are now making urine. On the down side, there is way to much fluid in her abdomen and it's making her breathing harder. So, keep that in your prayers.

I have the next two days off...maybe I'll clean the house. Couldn't hurt a thing!

Blessings...
~Christine

A plan begins to form...

2009-01-09T21:36:00.000-06:00

So, I went and got my heart broken, again.

Those of you who know the Joe story roll your eyes and shake your heads...those of you who don't know the story...ask me in person one day when you have plenty of time to listen.

On the bright side, Joe has a wonderful mother who I am convinced is an angel in disguise, who had me start reading some wonderful book by John Eldrege that have helped me begin to guide my heart towards finding a closer relationship with God and to begin to dream again.

So, dreams...what are they? What do I want? Where do I want to go? What is it I want to do in my life. I am setting aside everyone else's goals for my life and I am going to go live one desire and enjoy it.

I welcome you to this new blog...quintessentiallychristine...only blogspot this time, no xanga. There will be plenty of pointless ramblings but soon I hope it will be a place where you can journey with me as I delve deaper into my love for God, follow some of the desires that He gave me, as perhaps, just perhaps, His will permitting, literally explore the globe with me.

Blessings...
~Christine

Images of yesterday...

2008-09-28T13:40:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since Chris and I went on a photo outing. Yesterday he decided to pack up his camera gear and head to Shreveport so that we could break in his new lens that he bought earlier this summer. We decided to wander into Downtown Shreveport, a place I normally avoid...here are a few of the results...Enjoy!!!

Shreveport's Historic Strand Theater.

Some beautiful bit of crumbling architecture...

Myself...

Returned to blogdom...

2008-09-23T17:30:00.000-05:00

It's been awhile...and since everyone seems to have relocated from xanga I suppose I'll come too...Can't be that bad.:-D

We shall see how this goes...

~Christine

Quintessentially Christine

Answering The Call...

Passion...

Just a thought...

A Mother's Prayer...

The Next Thing...

Nearer My God To Thee...

A Foundation of Sapphires...

Bearing That Cross...

Suffering and Resurrection...

Greater Love...

Placing Behind and Facing Forward...

Mama - Il Divo

The Proverbs 31 Woman...

Letting Go...

Dreams Will Come True If They Are From God...

Heartbreak...

One Foot in Front of the Other...

*smiles*

Real Life Fairytale - Plumb

The First Page...

It's Been a Good While...

Remembering Momma...

The Finished Race...

Summer Weddings and Vacations...

And Time Marches On...

Of Happy Places and Wedding Vows...

Looking Forward...

School...

Lead Me To The Cross

Song for the Night...

My New Favorite Definition...

Following...

A new week...

Calling All Angels...

The Gift of Singleness...

Weekends...and full moons...

A plan begins to form...

Images of yesterday...

Returned to blogdom...

smiles